Articles

Peaceful Parenting Tips
By Genevieve Simperingham www.peaceful-parent.com

Conflict Resolution:
Resolving conflict that arises within the family is perhaps the biggest challenge for parents.

First let's explore the difference between responding to conflict with the intention to resolve as opposed to the intention to just stop the current behaviour. Traditional approaches that a parent uses in their attempts to end conflict with a child or between siblings is by punishing or threatening to punish.  Such an approach can involve time out, withdrawal of (or a threat to withdraw) privileges, enforced consequences, e.g. unless you stop complaining right now, you will have to do an extra hour’s house work. 

In using such approaches, it’s an interesting exercise to contemplate some of the following questions:

The approach that you take in responding to conflict in the family will determine whether or not the conflict gets truly resolved or just stopped and whether or not the cause of the problem becomes identified and resolved?  All too often parenting approaches focus on stopping the behaviour in the moment without necessarily changing the patterns in the long-term.

But what is the alternative? How can I make them learn if I don't enforce a serious consequence that will make them stop and think? I can't just let them away with being naughty?

The short answer to "what is the alternative" is communication. What do adults do when someone acts disrespectively towards them, crosses their boundaries or otherwise upset them? If they respond in a mature way, they will sit down and talk the issue through and make sure that each person's perspective is heard and respected and work towads coming to an agreement or problem solving together. This is exactly what works best in most cases for children.

If the child can still feel cared for and respected even though they've done something wrong or upset their parent, they will generally live up to the parent's expectations of being a caring and responsible young person.    

Dealing with conflicts out there in the world For the child who has learned to expect anger, rejection, judgment, withdrawal of love, possibly even shouting, punishments and enforced consequences (also experienced as a punishment), this child will tend to become very stressed in situations outside the home when conflict arises with others. The child may become scared of similar responses from others, i.e. rejection, shouting, etc.

However, for the child who lives in a family culture where conflicts are resolved through calm communication, this child will be more inclined to stay calm, hence logical and will be more able to express their feelings honestly and more able to listen to the other person's feelings, be they a child or an adult.

Punishing teaches a child to punish: One of the many disadvantages of punishing children is that punishing teaches and encourages punishing.  The parent / teacher creates a undesirable consequence for the child for misbehaving because they feel fully justified in doing so.  This gives the message that creating undesirable consequence (i.e. punishing) is the correct action to take when a person feels justified in doing so.  When children are angry, their emotions inhibit their logic, especially with children who carry a huge backlog of unresolved anger.  When a child is angry, they easily feel justified in hurting another.  From the outside, it may be obvious that little brother snatching the toy from big brother Ted should not have elicited such an angry reaction from Ted (Ted hit little brother).  But if child Ted has lots of unresolved hurt and anger inside of them, small offences can hurt deeply and cause huge over-reactions.  Every time a child is punished, they are deprived of the teaching and support that they need.  The child’s negative self-image, which is part of the core problem, is further affirmed. 

Why do children manipulate, bribe and threaten:  When children manipulate, bribe and threaten they are generally acting out learned behaviour based on how they have been treated. This unhealthy learned behaviour comes out when a child has lost their feeling of a warm loving connection with their parent or the adult who is looking after them. The child will no doubt be experiencing some fear, even though it may not show on their face, they are now feelings less secure for whatever reason. See their behaviour as their shield and weapon and rather than fighting back, the adult needs to peek behind the shield to find the hurt scared child who needs to again feel loved, seen and cared for.

Look beneath the behaviour to their underlying feelings.  Why is she/he acting in this way?  Have they been made feel like this?  Have I or others treated them in this way and are they trying to dispel those feelings by acting them out on others?  Is it a cry for help?  Do they want you to know how it feels to be manipulated, lied to, bribed, threatened?  Why?  Do they need you to understand their feelings, do they need your empathy? 

When conflict arises, there is nearly always an element of misunderstanding involved.  This misunderstanding needs to be identified and acknowledged for true resolution to occur.  When conflict arises, there is always more information that is needed from all parties before misunderstandings can be cleared up.  No matter how obvious the right and wrong of the situation is to the adult, each child needs and deserves to have their side of the story heard. 

How can Conflicts become resolved in a way that identifies and resolves the underlying emotional hurts and misunderstandings?

The intention to resolve:  For the parent/caregiver to help a child who is acting out unhealthy behaviour, the adult needs to have an intention to truly resolve the problem at a deeper level. To resolve conflict in any given situation, the parent must have an INTENTION to resolve the conflict.  When a parent reacts to conflict from their own hurt and angry feelings, generally their intention is to make the child stop acting in the way that they are acting and perhaps an intention to make the child see that how they are acting is not healthy.  This intention on it’s own will generally lead to a response that the child will experience to be blaming and punishing. E.g. time out or a withdrawal of attention “I’m not going to look at you or talk to you until you change your behaviour”.

Once a parent / teacher decides, “I really want to resolve this conflict”, then their attitude and hence, choice of actions and communication, the response will be a very different one, generally one that is driven more from compassion and understanding and less from frustration and feeling powerless.  As a parent / teacher, despite feeling hurt and even wanting to hurt back, you need to be the one who decides that you can help both, or all, to resolve the hurts in the air and come back to peace.

Their side of the story: Intentions to resolve the conflict will include intentions for everyone to be given the space to give their full side of the story, for each person to feel heard and respected, to feel understood and acknowledged.  Even if you don’t agree with your child’s version of the story, you can acknowledge how they see it and how they feel about it.  “I can see that from your perspective you felt that I was being mean and that I told you to put out the rubbish because I wanted to punish you and I can imagine that you must feel very upset if that’s how you saw it.  Are you ready to hear my perspective?”. 

As an example:  You and your child have just lost it with each other.  You have steam coming out of your ears, neither or you are listening to the other one.  You feel like shouting at your child and just don’t know how to deal with the problem that’s arisen. 

You see the need to become the adult and to resolve the conflict.

Begin to acknowledge their feelings, even if you’re not feeling very empathetic.  “Hey, I know it’s hard for you when I get angry at you/ I know it’s hard for you when you get yourself in trouble again and feel blamed and fear punishment.  It’s not nice when arguments happen, is it? 

Speak your intention:  “Let’s start to come back to peace with each other.  Tell me what you’re feeling, I’m ready to listen now.  The child may open up and start to show their more vulnerable feelings or they may continue to shout at you or stomp off.  “I can see that you’re really upset and I’m ready now to help you.  I can see that you’re feeling really hurt/ frustrated/ angry/ lonely/ sad.” 

Taking some time to calm down:  When tensions are very high between yourself and your child, you can give them some space to have a big cry or to stomp off if they insist on separating from you in that moment.  Also, if you’re still angry and haven’t yet reached the intention to resolve, then just sit down, close your eyes and let yourself feel what you’re feeling.  You can tell them “I’m just taking a minute to calm down”.  This will generally bring the parent some release, perhaps some tears and generally allows the parent to regain clarity.  Even if you’re not ready to apologize, you can acknowledge their feelings; “I can see that you’re really really upset and that it’s very hard for you when you know that I’m angry at you”.  

Feeling rejected by your child:  Even when a child is insisting that they don’t want you anywhere near you, remember that it’s the angry and impatient parent that they need to get away from, but it’s the loving and caring parent that they need to make them feel loved and cared for again. 

Who should say sorry first?:  Parents often expect the child to say sorry first, but we must remember that it’s harder for children to manage their emotions and it’s something that they constantly need our help with.  If you’re ready to say sorry for your side of things, this will generally diffuse the conflict very quickly and make it much easier for your child to feel safe and balanced again. 

Should we insist that our child apologize? :  Rather than telling children to say sorry, if you listen respectfully and acknowledge what you’ve heard, they will generally come to the feeling and hence the expression of remorse themselves.  If you can see that it’s hard for them to say sorry because they’re feeling guilty, you can offer them the opportunity “do you feel ready to be sorry yet?” and they can either answer “I’m sorry …” or “I’m not ready to be sorry yet”, which is a good honest answer.  Remember that children want to be in harmonious loving relationships, they just need your patience and support to reach that happy feeling again.  Sometimes, you can make it easy for a child who is ready to and wants to apologize, but finds it hard. Your tone of voice will communicate to your child whether you're expressing your resentment or your support.

Warm physical contact:  When you have the intention to resolve hurts with your child, a gentle touch on their arm, shoulder, back or a gentle stroke on the face communicates peace in a very powerful way and will assure your child that your words are genuine. 

Acknowledge their perspective:  Acknowledge what it is that they wanted to do/ not do/ say/ not say.  “You really wanted to play with a friend this afternoon didn’t you?  I know it’s very frustrating when you want to play with ….. and you’re not allowed to.  I really do care about your feelings and want to help you.  Would you like a hug?  Look at you getting all those big feelings out of your body.  You just needed to have a big cry and let all those bad feelings out of your body.

When one child hurts another child, it’s normal for the adult(s) involved to want to make the child see the error of their ways and to point out all that they did wrong, thinking that the child will feel remorse when they know they’ve hurt the other child.  However, the child who hurts another child out of their anger/ frustration/ powerlessness, knows immediately that they have hurt the other and that the other child will be suffering as a consequence.  However, if, despite feeling blaming towards the child, the adult can acknowledge the offending child’s feelings and give them the message that you care about everyone’s feelings and want to help them both reach resolution, this approach actually leads to a successful resolution and the expression of genuine remorse. 

Why do children tell lies?  Children generally tell lies when they are afraid of getting in trouble.  When parents use punishments as disciplinary approaches, they become a threat to children who have a desperate need to maintain a strong connection with their parent.  Children who are afraid of getting in trouble, face a very difficult dilemma between telling the truth and risking getting in trouble and loosing their parent’s connection and care or telling lies, which makes them feel bad and guilty and leaves them with the fear of being found out and hence loosing the parent’s connection and care.  Children who know they have nothing to be ashamed of or nothing to hide will innocently own up to all sorts of mischief quite happily.  This is the kind of innocence that needs to be protected and nurtured in young children to help them learn the habits of open and honest communication all through their life. 

Battle of Wills:  When you view your relationship with your child as a battle of wills, you are both in battle with each other more often than not.  When you see your child as battling you, this perception can bring up hurtful feelings for your child.  They are acting out because they don’t know what else to do with these big difficult feelings.  When there’s a battle of wills, you can consciously or unconsciously choosing to battle back.
In becoming more self aware in your interactions with your child, you begin to see that you always have the choice: Do I fight with my child? Do I help my child? 

What do children need when they are angry, frustrated and sulking? Angry, frustrated, sulking children ALWAYS need their parent’s/caregiver's help and understanding. 

When your child is acting out, assume that:

• They are doing their best
  
• They are acting out their hurt feelings that they don’t yet have the skills to manage
  
• This is their way of showing you how they feel or how they have been made feel by you or others
  
• They need you to teach them what they can do about these big, often overwhelming, feelings. They need you to make them feel safe and loved so they can get their big feelings out with big tears and/or words, they need to show you how they feel.
  
• Their acting out is symptomatic of unmet needs
  
• They need your love the most when they act the least deserving of it
  
• They need your help to feel happy, peaceful and balanced again
  
• They are deeply in need to regaining a warm loving connection with you again
  
• They would be more co-operative with you if they regained that warm friendly connection.
  
  

Setting Limits:   Children have an inbuilt fairness monitor.  They find it very difficult to accept limits if they believe it was not a fair limit.

When parents/caregivers can set limits for children while staying warm and connected to the child and while listening respectfully and allowing the child to express their feelings in response to the limit, then children will generally accept and respect that limit. They may well need to show you their emotional response to the limit, e.g. anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness. But if you allow them to express and release any related feelings, while keeping the limit set.

Clearly express both your clarity about your limit and your empathy at the same time, e.g. "The tv is definitely not going on today and I can see that you've got really big big hurt feelings about that, I care about all those feelings and I'm listening. Good on you for having a big cry and getting those feelings of frustration out."

Children whose parents/caregivers set limits in a calm and confident manner while staying connected, while allowing and supporting any consequent emotional release and stay open to listening:

• grow up to feel held, guided and cared for
• grow up to respect limits and boundaries from others
• grow up to be adults who can calmly and confidently assert their own limits and boundaries to others

They know that it’s not fair to get in trouble for breaking a rule that they didn’t know existed.
They know that it’s not fair to get in trouble when they were genuinely doing their best

How you express the limit will largely give them the information about whether or not you are being fair or not.  If the limit is expressed with a tone that communicates arrogance, sarcasm, anger, annoyance, if it is expressed with a tone that is patronizing and demeaning, they will see your limit as a punishment.  They will see the limit as a weapon against them.

But, if the limit is expressed clearly, calmly and with respect and acknowledgement of their feelings, they will nearly always respect it. 

They may need to give you more information and attempt negotiation.  If their communication is listened to respectfully and they are confident that you have thought it out calmly and fairly, they will accept the limit.

If they express anger, disappointment, grief, this does not necessarily mean that they do not accept or respect the limit.  They may need to express those feelings before they can feel happy and calm again.  You can acknowledge those feelings and give the child the message that you care and accept their feelings, which will help them go through a natural healthy process of dealing with the grief and frustration that limits can bring.

 

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