Child's Feelings and Needs Chart


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This chart gives some pointers that can be a quick reminder of some of the feelings that may be driving certain behaviours and furthermore some of the possible unmet needs that need to gain attention before the child can begin to feel better, hence act better. This can also be useful in helping a parent to re-frame a challenging situation when the parent becomes emotionally charged and has the urge to choose actions that escalate a situation. Also available in PDF format, click here.

Relating to the feelings and meeting the needs
that drive a child’s behaviour



When a child’s behaviour is:

Behaviour is erratic. Chaotic. Shouting. Screaming. Demanding. Aggressive. Unpredictable. Extremely noisy or withdrawn.

Anti-social. Rebellious. Defiant. Maybe dangerous. Attacking. Risky behaviour. Rude. Uncooperative. Lying. Destructive. Distrusting.

 

 

 

 


The child’s likely to be feeling:

Insecure. Anxious. Afraid.  Anger.  Rage. Accused. Very frustration. Threatened, Self-esteem very low. Lacking confidence. Vengeful. Overwhelmed. Totally confused. Disorientated. Sad. Lonely. Isolated, Unloved.  Emotionally un-acknowledged Judged as naughty & bad. Excluded. Powerless. Vulnerable.

Child has a backlog of unmet needs.

 

 

 


And likely to need:

Adult to stop & help child feel safe and secure.  Adult and child to move from state of stress/high alert to a calmer state.  Lots of reassurance of loving connection. EMPATHY!  Messages of “I can help”.  Keep child and others safe, physically if necessary, but non-aggressively.  Needs to feel cared for by a calm, confident adult.  To get bad feelings OUT in safe ways. Faith and trust in caregiver. Hope.

 
Distracted and distractible. Cautious. Disorientated. Frazzled. Sensitive. Easily upset. Resistant. Frequent conflicts with other children. Clingy. Whining voice. Nervous Demanding of attention, sugar, entertainment, distractions. Small problems result in big reactions. 








Needy.  Irritable.  Confused.  Frustrated.  Stressed.  Unsettled.  Resistant.  Unseen.  Unheard.  Judged. Misunderstood. Uncomfortable emotions.  Uncomfortable and squirmy in their body. Disconnected from self and others. Lost.

Child has some unmet needs.






For adult to slow down and give their full attention. Warm connection. Reassurance of care, especially relating to limits.  Positive guidance & encouragement.  Pressure reduced.  Threats reduced.  Rhythm, routine & predictability increased.  Emotional validation. Guidance & information that’s easy to understand.


Child is focused on their play. Good at meeting their needs. Expresses self clearly when seeking help. Confident. Friendly. Generous. Sociable. Seems alert. Energized but settled. Healthy curiosity. Listens well. Cooperative. Eating, sleeping and learning well.





Secure.   Safe.  Calm.  Loved.  Cared for.  Warmly connected.  Happy.  Supported.  Strong sense of belonging.  Contributions valued.  Good wellbeing.  Settled.  Satisfied.  Seen.  Heard.  Acknowledged.  Emotionally supported. Confident.  Energized.

Child’s current needs are met.





Attachment figure available.  Awareness of how and where to access physical and emotional needs.  Rhythm & routine.  Predictability.  Variety.  Security.  Fun.  Friends.  Opportunities to meet challenges & practice skills.  Overall happiness and fun in family.  Encouragement. Clarity about main limits, rules & expectations.  


Genevieve Simperingham is a certified parent coach, her emotional and practical support and teaching can help you to regain harmony in your home. She has been helping individuals, couples and families for twenty years, is an international speaker and a highly skilled teacher and group facilitator. Read more about the services and courses that Genevieve offers.

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